Aniwhatever
by Escape
Summary: What can I say? I got tired of writing stories with plots.
1. Aniwhatever

All right, I might as well get this done with in the beginning. You can always skip over it, right? Okay, most of the characters were invented by K.A. Applegate. One by C.S. Lewis. Scully and Mulder come from the X-Files, from Chris Carter. I'm sorry, but Hardy and Laurel are actually real people. I want to apologize for Laurel right now. However, the author is a completely original, fun, wonderful (real) person. I got maybe one or two things from other people. I couldn't help it. The ideas were just too great. When I find out who they are, I'll tell you so everyone can read their stuff. So, that's my disclaimer, and before I forget, (I'm sorry to do this. It's SO unoriginal) Copyright 2000. 

Chapter 1 

Jake whined as soon as he reached the barn. "I don't get it. How come I always die in the fanfics?" 

Rachel rolled her eyes and kept going through her fan mail. "'Dear Rachel. You are very beautiful. I love the way your eyes shine and theway you're always so gung ho all the time.' Oh, that's so sweet." She raised her eyes to Tobias. "I think you have some competition," she said sweetly, with a matching smile. 

"Look at the picture," Tobias encouraged her. 

Rachel frowned and looked at him. He had a small smile, as if he knew something. She looked at the overturned picture and turned it over. 

"Oh, sick!" she screamed, and with that she threw the picture down and went to go get Cassie. 

Tobias snickered. "No more reading love notes from fans for her," he muttered. He went back to reading one from a model/actress. He studied the photo that was included. 

Cassie came in, ignoring Rachel while the tall blond described what the photo had been. She went over to a cage. "Here, skunkie wunkie," she coaxed. 

Jake made a face. "Hey, Cassie," he called. "I'm over here." 

Rachel stopped talking and looked at him, as did Tobias. They shook their heads slowly. "What?" Jake asked defensively. "I'm the leader, here, so cut it out." 

Rachel and Tobias continued to gape, but looked the other way. 

Meanwhile, Marco came in, lugging a huge sack of fan mail to sort out. 

He saw Cassie talking to the skunk. "Here, skunkie wunkie. It's okay." 

The skunk began to creep towards her. Marco couldn't resist himself. He crept behind her. 

Cassie raised her hand out to the skunk. She raised her voice and started speaking in baby talk. "Come on, skunkie wunkie," Marco froze for a moment and looked at Jake questioningly with a look that obviously said, "Doesn't she call you that?" Jake shrugged it off. 

Marco raised his arm and puckered his lips. "Come on, skunkie wunkie," he mouthed. 

"Oh, it's okay," Cassie addressed the skunk. "Look, I have some food for you." The skunk crept closer and Cassie managed to get the pill into it's mouth. Marco imitated her perfectly, at least until the very end. Then he made a hugging motion as if he were hugging the skunk, mouthing, "I'm gonna love you forever and ever, and hug you, and love you, and feed you, and-" 

Cassie turned and saw Marco hugging a pocket of air and mouthing something. "What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously. 

"Nothing," Marco said as he snapped out of it and stuck his hands behind his back. 

"It looked to me like you were imitating me. Maybe even making fun of me?" She looked at him. 

Meanwhile, the skunk realized it had been tricked into swallowing a pill and began stomping it's front paws. 

Marco thought for a few minutes. Finally he faced everyone- his audience. "The force is strong in this one," he said. 

Tobias shook his head. How had he ended up with these people? 

Cassie shook her head also. "Marco, Marco, Marco," she muttered. 

"What?" he asked innocently. 

He heard a hissing sound and felt something hit him. Then he became aware of a very, very bad smell. 

Cassie started laughing. 

Rachel wrinkled up her nose. "Oh my Good Lord," she said. 

Tobias shook his head, once again wondering what he was doing her with these people. 

Cassie fell to the ground, still laughing. 

Jake sat on a bale of hay, in deep thought. "I still don't get it. Why can't someone else ever die in the stupid fanfics?" 

Chapter 2 

Rachel waved her hand in front of her face. "Geez, Marco. I always knew you smelled bad, but this." 

"Shut up," Marco snapped. He adjusted the clothespin on his nose. 

"Maybe I can tell someone that it's a perfume," he said thoughtfully. 

Rachel nodded. "Really cheap perfume," she added. 

"And why are we always Star Fleet people?" Jake wondered. 

Cassie rolled her eyes. "Can we get out of here? I need to get the animals out before they die of the stench." 

"You mean they don't whenever Marco is in there as himself?" Rachel asked. 

"A few have passed out," Cassie explained, "but none have died. Yet." 

Tobias stood up. "I count as an animal, I'm getting out." He left, for once glad that he was a nothlit. 

The girls looked at Marco. "Hey, don't look at me. If I get close to those things, I'd kill them, probably. Plus, I know tree-huggers wouldn't like that. I think it would be safer if I just left." 

"Fine," Cassie muttered. "Leave. Do that then. And don't come back until you get rid of the smell." She looked at Jake. "Skunkie wunkie?" 

Jake made a face and was brought part way out of his thoughts. "Don't call me that. Ever. Again." 

"Okay. I won't call you that if you help us get the animals outside." 

Jake consented and picked up a cage. "And how come Tobias is everybody's favorite? What about the things a leader has to give up? And how come I can't be an only kid? I mean, wouldn't that be a lot more interesting? Boy all alone with no one to turn to?" 

"That's Tobias's job," Rachel told him. 

"Yeah, well, I think we should trade places for a while. And how come Cassie always, always lives? I mean, the rest of us always die, but Cassie is safe and sound." 

"Yeah," wondered Rachel. "Why does Cassie always live?" She looked at Cassie. 

"What?" Cassie asked innocently. They continued to stare at her. Finally, she rolled her eyes and set down the cage. "Look, you can't tell. It's supposed to be as great big secret, okay?" The other two nodded. Cassie undid a pin on her shirt, where it was hidden by her overalls. "It's this pin. 'Never to be killed in a fanfic' or something like that. The author of this fanfic gave it to me." 

"This is a fanfic!" Rachel cried in anger. "We're stuck in a fanfic again?!" Then she paused. "How come you get a pin?" 

Cassie shrugged and took the pin back, putting it back on her shirt. "It's no big deal, really." She picked up the cage and whisked away with it. "It's just for being everyone's favorite Animorph." 

Jake and Rachel stared at each other. "Everyone's favorite Animorph?" they echoed together. They watched as Cassie walked proudly away. 

"Stupid fanfics," Jake muttered. 

Chapter 3 

When they walked outside, Ax was there, talking to Marco, who had torn his fan mail bag and was trying to pick up the envelopes and talk to Ax at the same time. 

But I do not understand, Ax, as an Andalite, said. What store did you get this perfume from? 

"I told you, Ax," Marco said in a tired voice. "I got it from Cassie." 

I refuse to believe Cassie's taste is that bad, Ax responded. 

"Ax?" Jake asked. 

Yes, Prince Jake? 

"How come you never die in the fanfics?" 

Does this offend you? 

"Tell me the truth, Ax," Jake said in his leader voice. 

Ax's chest expanded. I only read the ones where I live. 

"How do you know whether you live or not?" 

You forget, Prince Jake, I control the AximiliNet. 

"Oh, yeah. I forgot." Ax had recently bought the entire Internet with the money he had gathered from being famous and changed its name. 

Marco, ready for a distraction, fumbled around in his pile of fan mail. "Hey, look at this package," he said. He took it out and unwrapped it. It was a mirror. Marco took a few moments to admire his beautiful reflection before reading the note. "'Marco, I love you so much I simply can't bear it any longer. I thought I would give you the opportunity to see the most beautiful thing in the world. You.'" He looked at himself in the mirror again and flashed himself a smile. "Yep. Marco, you have mojo, the life force. The babes." 

"Isn't that you're handwriting?" Rachel asked, looking at the letter. 

"No," Marco said lamely. 

"And look!" Jake exclaimed. "It even has your address listed as the return address!" He glared at Marco. "Cheater." 

"Oh! Look!" said Marco, digging in the pile again. "This is some of K.A.'s mail. I guess I'll just have to go give it to her." 

"I'll come too," Jake said. "I'll see if she can keep me from dying in those stupid fanfics." 

"I'll come!" Tobias practically shouted. "I want my own book!" he explained. 

Ax bristled. Well, in that case, I want my own book. Shorm, my foot. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

Shorm are supposed to share, Ax told him. 

"I share," Tobias countered. "Think of all those Cinnabons..." 

Ax thought. Well... 

"I'm coming," said Cassie from behind them. "I want to know why I always end up as a psycho who always over dramatizes things in those fanfics. I hope this isn't one of them," she addressed the author. 

"Well, it's better than being dead," Jake told her. 

"Like I care about you dying. I go insane all the time." 

"You don't care about me dying?" Jake asked, hurt. 

Cassie stuck her hand out palm down and turned it from side to side. "I wouldn't loose sleep over it," she informed him. 

Jake pouted. 

"Well if everyone else if going, I'm going." Rachel shrugged. "Let's do it." 

"Oh, boy," Marco muttered. "That's never good. Never good at all." 

Chapter 4 

"Hey guys. What can I do for you?" 

The Animorphs and Ax walked into Ms. Applegate's office. Actually, it was more like her bedroom, with clothes thrown around everywhere and covering the bed. 

Rachel looked around at the clothes in disgust. "Girl, I have got to take you shopping. Two words. Ralph. Lauren." 

Ms. Applegate smiled politely and turned around so no one could hear her say, "My God. I've created a monster." 

I heard that, Tobias told her. 

Ms. Applegate smiled politely at him and turned around once more. "My God. I've created two monsters. Forgive me." 

Heard that too, Tobias said proudly. 

This time Ms. Applegate just glared at him. 

"So, uh, Katherine," Marco said in his business-tone of voice. "We have received some of your mail, and we took it upon ourselves to return it to you." 

"Thank you," said Ms. Applegate. What had she done? She had unleashed these people into the world! What had she DONE! 

"And also-" began Jake. 

Ms. Applegate tried to hide her dismay. Here we go again. What could it be with the fanfics this time? 

"I was wondering why I always died in the fanfics." 

Ms. Applegate smiled politely, with just a hint of evil. "I can't control what the authors of fanfics write, Jake. You know that." 

"Yeah, I know. It's just, well. A guy can only die so many times, right?" 

I wish, Ms. Applegate thought. Instead she just shrugged. 

Could I have my own book? Tobias asked. 

"Well-" she began. 

Yes. And could I have mine? Ax added. 

"That-" she began again. 

It's just that we're tired of taking turns. 

"I-" 

We're tired of sharing, Ax corrected. 

"Um-" 

Oh yeah? Well I'm tired of being shorm with you! 

"Hello?" 

Ax gasped. Yes? Well, I am sick of having a nephew who's a nothlit. And not just any nothlit- A bird. An ugly bird. 

"Hi-" 

Well, I'm tired of having an uncle who's an alien freak! 

"ALL RIGHT!" Ms. Applegate practically screamed and jumped up. "I'll see what I can do," she told them. 

"I was wondering why I was a psycho, you know, always 'Boohoo, I'm scared to fight in fanfics," Cassie explained. 

"I can't control-" 

"But-" 

"No buts." 

Ax turned his stalk eyes and looked at his back. I have one, he reported. 

Ms. Applegate smiled but didn't say anything. What had she done? Oh, good Lord. What had she done? 

She turned to Rachel. "Do you want anything?" 

Rachel looked around. "Besides taking you shopping..." 

"Okay. Subject change!" Ms. Applegate announced happily. She loved to shop, but shopping with Rachel was too much. "I thinking about creating a new character!" 

Jake made a face. "Another David? Remember how that turned out?" 

Ms. Applegate nodded and typed a few things on her computer. Hopefully, it would destroy them once and for all. Stupid fanfics. She'd show 'em. Suddenly, a huge golden lion appeared out of nowhere in the room. 

"Isn't that Aslan? From the Chronicles of Narnia?" Cassie asked softly. 

The lion wheeled around and faced Ms. Applegate. 

"What have you done to bring me here, Daughter of Eve?" he asked in a strong voice. 

"Bad... Breath..." Ms. Applegate murmured. Then she passed out. 

Chapter 5 

"Welcome to the club," Jake greeted Aslan. 

"I shall not stay for long, Son of Adam." 

"Son of Adam," Marco mouthed, rolling his eyes. 

"This is the world of men; I belong in the world of beasts, but someone shall always take my place. Do not fear." 

He disappeared and two people took his place. One was a woman with a miniskirt and styled red hair and long legs. Marco whistled. The other wore the usual business suit attire. 

The man looked around. "Scully. I think we've-" 

"What, Mulder? What is it this time? Have we been taken aboard an alien spaceship like that?" She snapped her fingers. 

Mulder shrugged. 

Marco shrugged too. "It happened to the president," he said. 

Now it was Mulder's turn to snap his fingers. He looked at Scully with a triumphant grin. "I knew it." 

Suddenly they disappeared and a small man took his place. He wasn't even three and a half feet high, but the green hat with the clover sticking out of it made him look taller. He was dressed completely in green, and when he spoke, it was with a thick Irish accent. "Blimey!" he exclaimed. "I do say!" 

"Have you ever heard of the Yeerks?" Rachel asked. 

The leprechaun made a face. "Rightly so I 'ave, kiddie." Now Rachel made a face. The leprechaun went on. "They're always after me lucky charms." 

He disappeared too. He was replaced by a boy and girl. 

"Who're you?" Jake asked, crossing his arms. 

The boy pointed to himself. "I'm Hardy. That's Laurel." 

"You have got to be kidding me," Cassie muttered. "Hardy and Laurel? The Hardy and Laurel?" 

Just so you know, Hardy and Laurel are my cousins. Sorry. I couldn't resist. Not _the_ Hardy and Laurel, of course. But- well, you know what I mean. My aunt and uncle made a mistake when they named them. 

Before Hardy had time to answer, Laurel had rushed up to Cassie. "You're Cassie, aren't you? Omigosh. You are, like, my favorite of all the Animorphs in the whole entire world!" She squealed with delight. She kept going on about how great it was. 

Meanwhile, Cassie was muttering, "Please disappear. Please disappear." She looked up towards the ceiling. "Is this what was supposed to happen?" she asked the author, me, of course. 

Suddenly, a huge pen appeared in the room and wrote on the wall. 

"Heh heh heh," Tobias read. "Hey! That isn't even real English!" 

"It is now," I wrote. And instantly, it appeared in all the dictionaries. 

"Can't you take these kids away?" begged Rachel. Laurel had moved on to her. 

"No way. I need a break." 

Rachel shook her head. "Just like a coward." 

"Darn right," I answered. 

Meanwhile, Jake had wandered over to Ms. Applegate's laptop. "Uh-oh." 

"More trouble?!" Rachel asked in disbelief. 

"They've kidnapped the tooth fairy." 

Who? Tobias asked. 

"The Yeerks." 

"The Yeerks have the tooth fairy?!" Laurel squealed. "But what will kids do with all their teeth? No one would take them! We wouldn't get any money for our teeth!" Laurel was obviously petrified. 

"I see your point," Marco agreed. "I have this baby tooth, right heah." He stuck his hand in his mouth to wiggle a tooth in the very back. "And by gum, I want money for it. That tooth has put me through too much for me not to get anything." 

"She's being held at the Yeerk pool," Jake said. Then he got that dreamy look in his eyes. "Why is the tooth fairy a she, anyway? I mean, are guys not fit to be fairies?" 

Cassie explained. "Men don't look good in tights." 

"Oh." 


	2. Aniwhatever, Part 2

First of all, the disclaimer. None of the characters except Laurel, Hardy, and the author are my own. The rest was all created by the great and wonderful K.A. Applegate. I got some of the ideas from someone else, just so you know. I forget who they are, but most of this is original. What can I say? I got really bored, and I got sick of trying to come up with plots all the time. 

Copyright 2000 

Chapter 6 

"Okay! The rest of you guys ready, ready, READY?" Laurel smiled at them in her brand-new leotard. 

"Do you think she's a cheerleader where she comes from?" Cassie whispered to Rachel. 

"Too peppy. They'd probably kick her off." 

They smiled. 

"You know, I really, really, really feel like an idiot." 

Laurel jumped up and down. "Come on. Come on. Come on. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see." 

Marco rapped quickly on the stall door. "Does she always say everything three times?" 

"Not unless she's really excited," Hardy answered. 

Tobias shook his head. How had he ended up here with these people again? 

"And how come," Jake asked, "I'm always the one who has to watch over everyone else?" 

Hardy walked out of the dressing stall in skintight biking shorts and a T-shirt that was too small. 

Marco wiped his eyes. "He's growing up so fast." 

~_________~ 

Ms. Applegate woke up. "They're gone," she said in relief. She looked at her laptop and then grinned evilly. "This ought to show them." She started typing. "I'll get you yet, my pretties," she cackled. "And your little paychecks, too." 

~_________~ 

Okay. We're here. Now what? Tobias asked. 

"I don't know," Jake said with a shrug. 

What do you mean you don't know? 

"What? Just because I'm the leader doesn't mean that I have to do everything around here." 

"Save the tooth fairy. Save the tooth fairy. Save the tooth fairy." Laurel jumped up and down. 

Tobias shook his head. Why was he here? And with these people? 

Look! Ax exclaimed. There's Visser Three! 

"Okay. Let's split up," Jake said. "Hardy, you get the tooth fairy. Laurel, you go jump off a cliff. The rest of us will take care of Visser Three." 

They all nodded obediently and went to their jobs. 

Hardy found the cage the tooth fairy was in. "Hi. I'm Hardy." 

"Hello. I'm the tooth fairy. Could you let me out of this cage?" 

Hardy reached for the keys and stuck them into the lock. "Hold on." Why was he doing this? Oh, yeah. "Say please," he told her. 

"Please?" she asked sweetly. 

Hardy nodded and turned the key halfway. "Wait a minute. Why should I let you out? You didn't pay me for that tooth." 

The tooth fairy laughed nervously. "What are you talking about? Of course I paid you. Now just let me out of here. Please." 

"No, no. I remember. It was my front tooth. My second one. I kept it under my pillow for a week, and you never came to get it." He started to take the key out. 

"No! NO!" the tooth fairy shouted. "I'll pay you for it, I promise. I'll even pay you three times as much!" 

"Twenty times." 

"That's too much!" 

"You only gave me fifty cents a tooth!" 

"Fine. Five times." 

"Fifteen." 

"Ten." 

"Fourteen." 

"Twelve." 

"Fourteen." 

"Thirteen." 

"Thirteen and a half." 

"Done. Can't even make a few lousy bucks with this job," she muttered. 

Hardy unlocked the cage and the tooth fairy flew out. "Thanks, sucker." She disappeared. 

Hardy ran and found the others. 

"Hey. Hey. Hey. Big brother. Big brother. Big brother. We haven't been able to reach the Visser yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet." 

Hardy rolled his eyes. "I have an idea. HEY VISSER THREE!!" he shouted. 

The others started moving away from him. 

Who dares call me Visser Three? I am Disser One! 

"Disser One?" Rachel cried out and started laughing. 

Disser One started walking towards them. Yeah. You got a problem with that? A blond, huh? I bet you can't call 9-1-1 because you can never find the eleven on the phone! 

"Ooooohhhh," a bunch of Controllers murmured. 

Rachel frowned and stood up. "Oh yeah? Dumb blond jokes. That. Is. Lame. What are you going to do next? Tell me that I can't choose out a fashionable outfit? That I'm ugly?" She turned around and modeled off her clothes. Several Controller oohed and ahhed and took pictures while they applauded. 

Well, actually. Yes. 

Rachel's eyes started to water and she ran away from the Yeerk pool. 

"Booooooo," a bunch of Controllers hissed. 

Cassie looked up at the ceiling. "How are you going to get us out of this one?" 

A pen formed and started writing on the wall. OOPS. I DON'T KNOW. 

"You don't know? You don't know? What kind of fanfic writer are you?" Cassie screeched. She threw off her pin. 

Ax started advancing towards Disser One. Accidentally, his tail moved too much and he hacked Cassie's head off as he walked by. Oops.He looked to Prince Jake. 

Jake shrugged. "She wasn't going to loose sleep over me..." he explained. 

The pen started writing _HA HA HA._

Marco decided to try his hand. "You're so fat, you- you- you..." He tried to think of something to say. 

Disser One started laughing. See what I mean? I am the best Disser in the universe! 

Marco hung his head and walked away. 

Laurel started squealing, "I have to jump off a cliff. I have to jump off a cliff. I have to jump off a cliff," and went off after him. 

Jake shrugged. "Um. Okay. So. You're so dumb, you think... Pro ball is better than college." 

You're so dumb, you don't know why you do all the time in fanfics. I always live, he said proudly. 

Jake fell to the ground and sobbed. "It's true! It's true!" he cried and crawled towards the exit. 

Next, Disser One and Tobias had a staring game. 

Look at that nice mouse over there. 

Gee, that patch of grass behind you looks awfully good. 

Disser One looked with one of his eye stalks. Yes, it does. Want some? 

Tobias straightened. You'd do that? 

Certainly. But I think you'd much rather prefer that nice fat mouse behind you. 

You wouldn't lie to me, would you? 

Of course not. I offered you my grass, after all. 

Tobias thought, still staring at the Disser. How big? he asked cautiously. 

I'm not an expert. You might want to look for yourself. 

Okay. Tobias looked behind him. Hey! I don't see any mouse! 

You forgot to call time out! the Disser laughed. 

Tobias flew away slowly. 

"My turn," Hardy said. "You're such a pale shade of blue, you make your mother sick." 

The Disser reared. Oh? You have so many freckles, you look like a leopard. 

"That's an insult? That's your comeback? That?" Hardy laughed. 

What's wrong with it? 

"It's lame!" 

"Ooooohhhhh..." the Controllers muttered. 

Oh. Well. You're so ugly, you look worse than Mini-Me in Austin Powers. 

"Oh yeah? You're so ugly, the last time you got a date was the time you cut one out of a calendar." 

Well, You're so- Hey, how did you know that? 

Hardy tapped his head with his index finger. "The great Hardy knows all." 

They stared at each other for a long time. 

Why don't I just kill you right now? Disser One asked. 

"You won't kill me." 

Yes, I will. 

"No, you won't." 

Will. 

"Won't." 

Will. 

"Won't times a hundred." 

Will times a thousand. 

"Won't times a hundred thousand." 

Will times infinity. And beyond. 

"Won't times one more than you'll ever have." 

Everyone present applauded. 

Fine! Get OUT! The Disser screamed. The HBO channel couldn't see this. They'd cancel his time slot! 

"I'm the greatest Disser in all the Universe!" Hardy shouted. Everyone applauded more. "Not only that," Hardy added, now dressed like Jack from Titanic. "I'm the king of the WORLD!!!!" 

Chapter 7 

Laurel sat on a bale of hay, wrapped completely in bandages. 

Cassie was rubbing her neck with glue and trying to stick her head on right. 

Jake sat on the ground, muttering, "It's true. It's true." as he rocked back and forth. 

Marco sat staring silently at a wall. "If only I'd practiced more," he said. "Or maybe if I were a faster thinker. Or-" 

Rachel was crying softly. "Do I look that bad? Do I really look that bad?" 

Tobias nodded. He'd never eat a mouse again. He looked around. Why was he here with these people? 

Ax looked at his tail. Why does it move so much? he wondered. Why does it move at all? He started swinging it around. In the process, he accidentally cut off his head and upper body. 

Nobody noticed. 

Hardy walked in. "I'm the greatest Disser in the Universe!" he shouted happily. 

"Hardy's the greatest Disser in the Universe! Hardy's the greatest Disser in the Universe! Hardy's the greatest Disser in the Universe!" Laurel chanted. 

"SHUT UP!" everyone told her. 

Suddenly, the pen appeared out of thin air again, writing on a wall. "I have an idea. Put her in the straight jacket (gag included) and then bury her under the hay." 

Hardy yelled triumphantly as he put Laurel in the straight jacket and gag that had appeared out of thin air and covered her with hay until no one could see her anymore. Everyone cheered. So did I. No more cousin! 


End file.
